1. You may never refer to your clothing as an outfit.
2. You should avoid all “sports” that require you to point your toe before starting, or if they include “routines” or “elements.”
3. You may never use another man’s lip balm. The only exceptions are being lost in a desert, caught in a blizzard, or trapped in an avalanche. Each scenario still requires you to trim off the top layer with a pocketknife. You must apply it with same pocketknife.
4. Two men may never use the same umbrella no matter how hard it is raining.
5. You must check your nails only by making a fist in front of your face. Never do so by way of “jazz fingers.”
6. You must check something on your shoes only by lifting up your heel in front of you. Never do so by looking behind you in the “ballerina pose.”
7. You can never know the lyrics or recognize the melodies to any songs by Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus. I don’t actually know who these people are. I’ve only been warned myself.
8. Celine Deon, Kenny G. and Josh Groban cannot be discovered on your iPod.
9. You must never admit to never having viewed the Bourne trilogy.
10. You must be able to locate (at all times) the duct tape in your house when asked.
11. You must agree to attend all air shows or car shows when invited by friends.
12. There are no “points” in baseball.
13. There is no such thing as capris for men.
14. If a man’s fly is unzipped, he’s on his own.
15. One space is required between each urinal in use.
16. You may never brag about the features in your wife’s minivan.
17. You must be able to throw a spiral. You must know what this is.
18. You must never watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics.
19. You may never choose between Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne.
20. You can make no more than one adjustment when parallel parking. If you need more, circle the block.
21. A head nod suffices when greeting another man.
22. No one ever “hurts your feelings.”
23. You must stop on a given station whenever Boston’s “More than a Feeling” is playing.
24. You must be able to perform a perfect air drum solo when listening to Rush’s “Tom Sawyer.”
25. “Shotgun” can only be called when the car is in view.
26. Never trot in public. Spring or walk only. (Jogging for exercise not applicable.)
27. If available, the bone-in rib eye is always the correct choice.
28. If you have a cat you cannot have feelings for it.
29. The Labrador retriever is always the default dog.
30. You cannot own dogs that can be mistaken for throw pillows.
31. You cannot talk to your pets in “baby” or “sweet talk” voices.
32. You can never be a passenger on a motorcycle with another man. Walk. No matter how far the destination is.
33. Never use rolling backpacks.
34. It’s a man purse even if you refer to it as a European courier bag.
35. Men may not be in a revolving door together.
36. You must shout “Play ball” at the end of the national anthem regardless of the occasion at which it is played. This includes funerals.
37. No dead fish handshakes.
38. It is okay to weep at the sight of fighter jets flying over a stadium during the national anthem.
39. Joe Montana is the best quarterback of all time.
40. You must argue about 39.
Taken from: What Every Man Wishes His Father Had Told Him. Copyright © 2012 by Byron Forrest Yawn. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.
