Reference Helps

The most heartbreaking moment of my life was when I discovered my husband of 20 years was having an affair. Most of the years of our marriage had involved education, kids, running our own business, and health issues which had ultimately allowed for isolation and distance to slowly creep in and take hold. Sure we had been fighting a lot in the last several months.  Of course he was working long hours at work. Big deal if we weren’t as close or intimate as before. That was, after all, the pattern we had slipped into over the years, but it never crossed my mind that there was another woman in his life. Not until a good friend suggested an affair was involved, did I start searching his computer and found all the evidence. The moment I read those letters I realized we might not make it through this. How could I ever trust him again, how could our marriage ever be repaired, how could I forgive him?

The answer was not about “me” learning to trust or repairing the marriage or figuring out a way to forgive him. I soon learned the answer was directly related to my relationship with God.

First, I had to realize this was much bigger than me and I could not move forward without God at the head of our marriage and this problem. Something deep inside told me I had to turn every aspect of my life over to the Father who loves me so much that only He can take away the hurt, the pain, the uncertainty. God is the only One who, when we give our lives to Him, takes not only the good in us but the sin and ugliness too. Therefore, only God is big enough to take that broken heart and turn it back into a peaceful heart full of love.

Second, I had to acknowledge this affair didn’t fall exclusively on my husband’s shoulders. I had to admit to myself and to God that I had not been the kind of wife the Almighty called me to be to my husband. I had been a contributor to that isolation and distance that had come between us. I had to ask forgiveness for the things I had done before I could begin to forgive my husband for what he had done.

Was this an easy thing that just happened overnight and all was well again in the marriage? I wish I could say yes. The truth is that it was hard at times and many days I fell short. During that following year, I did not focus on the affair but on the Lord and His Word. Instead of us divorcing each other, we decided to divorce our old ways. We let go of the past and decided together to rebuild our marriage with God at the head. That was seven years ago and our marriage is stronger and deeper now than it had ever been those first 20 years.                       …..Anonymous


Taking it One-to-One:

  • Are you quick to look for the splinter that is in your spouse’s eye without removing the log from your own first? (Matthew 7:1-5)
  • Can you help reduce the chances of unfaithfulness in your marriage by guarding closely against over commitment, isolation, and apathy about intimacy?