Bonus A: Top 5 Rookie Mistakes – Come on man!
About the Guest
- For more from Shaunti Feldhahn, visit Shaunti.com. https://shaunti.com
- For more from Dr. Juli Slattery, visit https://www.authenticintimacy.com/.
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Brian GoinsBrian and his wife Jen love building into families and eating great food together. They have three children who all want to move to Montana. Brian serves as Sr. Director Special Projects at FamilyLife. He is also the executive producer on an adolescent-focused documentary series called Brain, Heart, World (brainheartworld.org) aimed at helping change the conversation about pornography in our country and has written Playing Hurt: A Guy’s Strategy for a Winning Marriage.
Shaunti FeldhahnShaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 3 million copies in 25 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers...more
Did you listen to episode 2 and think, “Just shoot straight on this and tell me your best tipes for getting more sex with my wife?” Here’s a quick-hit list of the top 5 rookie mistakes you may be making — Come on man!
Bonus A: Top 5 Rookie Mistakes – Come on man!
Brian: Welcome to a special edition of Married With Benefits Questions Every Husband is Asking. I’m your host Brian Goins alongside Shaunti Feldhahn. Well, on Episode 2, we just answered the question: Why can’t my wife focus more on sex?
Shaunti: Every husband’s question.
Shaunti: —Almost every husband’s question.
Brian: Almost, but a lot of them, and we found that Shaunti and guest Juli Slattery—she was great—gave us incredible, valuable insight on how to live with our wives in an understanding way especially in the area of sex. But what we found—and even as I was listening to us talk about this podcast, we guys like it simple.
Shaunti: Yes, we gave a lot of different to-dos.
Brian: Right. So, I was just feeling—I felt the pressure even was like, “Guys just want a list.” Just give me a list. Tell me what I need to do to get more sex. That’s really why I’m listening to this podcast. So, we hear you loud and clear guys. We’re doing these special podcasts—we’re doing two of them—and we’re going to start with what not to do.
Shaunti: It’s a speed round.
Brian: It is a speed round. So this is going to be a quick podcast. So, here’s our top five rookie mistakes for husbands who just want more sex. Are you ready, Shaunti?
Shaunti: I’m ready.
Brian: Alright; you get to start.
Shaunti: Number Five—Don’t assume that she believes she’s beautiful. Guys, the key—one of the key most things you need to know about your wife is that deep down that wonderfully attractive woman that you can’t wait to be with, really truly doubts whether she’s enough for you and really truly doubts whether she’s beautiful. That’s something that is common in the heart of almost every woman, statistically, and what it leads to is she’s now walking around all day and she sees all those images out there too. She sees the Cosmo magazines. She sees the actresses on television, and she knows that she doesn’t measure up to that, at least in her mind.
It is a huge issue for guys to recognize, “This is how she feels and I have a way that I can build my wife up. That I’m incredibly powerful in her life and having her hear me say, ‘You are amazing. You are beautiful.’” —Having him say, “I don’t care that you’ve had 20 years of marriage and two kids, I still love to look at you,” and have her hear that. That builds up her confidence and she will want to be with you much, much more.
Brian: Yes, guys. Let those words echo in her head all day long. You haven’t said, “You’re beautiful” in a month? Come on, man!
Number Four—Don’t assume everyone else is having way more sex than you. Seriously, are you getting your cues from watching Netflix and what their ratio is? [Laughter]
Well, we had our very own sex-statistician, Ryan, go in and look at a file here and we found out that in a 2017 study that appeared in the archives of sexual behavior—I didn’t even know that was a journal—found that the average adult currently enjoys sex 54 times a year—which, I’m no mathematician—but that sounds to be about once a week.
Shaunti: Sounds like it, yes.
Brian: Just a little bit over. So guys there’s a reason why every movie and tv show they’re having a lot of sex—because they know you’re watching—that’s it. So—
Shaunti: It’s not reality.
Brian: It’s not reality—and if you’re thinking that couples that have more sex are just happier couples, that’s not the only factor.
Shaunti: And don’t let that expectation make you disappointed with your very real, wonderful wife.
Brian: Exactly. So guys, if you’re taking your cues from the movies, Come on, man!
Shaunti: Number Three—Don’t assume foreplay is physical—or always in the bedroom. Listen guys, if you are statistically like most men—it won’t be all of you—but most of you probably have something called assertive desire which is tied to testosterone, and it means that you are essentially ready for sex at a moment’s notice. Like one of the things that Jeff has always said is, “You know I can be tired too, as a guy, but if you show the slightest bit of interest I can rally. [Laughter]
Brian: Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Shaunti: And that is common for most of you as men—however, remember your wife is physiologically different from you and don’t expect her to be the same. What this means for you is that you need to be sort of pursuing her throughout the day.
You need to be showing her that kindness—that concern—throughout the day—and not just only cuddling on the couch or giving her a hug when you want something later because then you are training her. It’s like Pavlov’s dog. You’re training her that you’re only doing these sweet and kind things when you want sex. No, no. Look at this as a wholistic opportunity to make your wife feel loved and that throughout the day, every day, she will consider foreplay.
Brian: Yes, nonsexual touching—learn that fine art. If you’re just offering a 30 second back massage for sex, Come on, man!
Number Two—If you’re struggling with sexual sin, don’t go it alone. The reason why many of us guys struggle with this for so long—and really too much—is we let this stay in the darkness for too long. The power of addiction is secrecy. Guys, if you really want to enjoy a great sexual life with your spouse, don’t carry around this burden in your heart. Someone once said, “If you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together.”
Shaunti: Ooh, I like that.
Brian: Yes, so you want to have a team of people around you who’s going to help you move through this because this is every man’s battle—every man’s fight. And trust me, the guys that are around you that you don’t want to share this to, I guarantee you they’re struggling with some of the same stuff that you’re struggling with. So, guys if you think it will go away on its own, Come on, man!
And Number One—What’s our Number One top rookie mistake of husbands who want more sex?
Shaunti: The top rookie mistake is to stop pursuing her. Don’t ever stop pursuing your wife. When you say, “I Do,” guys, it sort of assumes in your heart that, “Okay, we’re good. Like she knows she’s loved. I feel loved. Let’s move on to the next thing.”
Guys, you need to know that there is no switch in a woman’s brain that gets flipped to the, “Oh, now I feel permanently loved” position and instead she has that question, “Am I lovable” every day. And in marriage it becomes, “Does he really love me?” And she really, truly questions that. She’s not playing games. This isn’t something she’s trying to manipulate you.
This is an actual question in her heart—and it gets in the way sometimes of physical intimacy because—we found in the study—that women need to feel close outside the bedroom in order to want to be close inside the bedroom. But, if they do feel close, guess what? It also works in reverse.
Brian: There you go. So guys basically you did not get to the finish line on your wedding day. You got to the starting blocks. It wasn’t a culmination—it was initiation of love. Chasing your girl didn’t stop with I Do—“Come on, man!
There you have it, guys—the top five rookie mistakes of husbands who just want more sex. If you find yourself doing one of those mistakes, you’re definitely a rookie in this and you’re going to want to find out, “Hey, what are the all-star moves?” and that’s what we’re going to do in the next little extra podcast that we’ve got coming up.
Shaunti: The next speed round.
Brian: And just a quick reminder—a good way to show your wife you mean business is by signing up for our 365-day devotional series called I Do Every Day. These easy read emails come right to your inbox and make every day a brand new “I Do” and you can start pursuing her every day with that little reminder. She’ll love it. Sign up today at FamilyLife.com/IDo.
I’m your host Brian Goins. Thanks for listening.
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